Help! I am married to a Nice Guy
How to help your nice guy on the path to recovery
Over the last few months, I have received countless messages from men looking to recover from being a nice guy and to become a good guy. The first step to recovery is acknowledging your problem, so for that I commend you. I have also received messages from wives and girlfriends asking for advice on how to help. Either their husband is in denial (not surprising for nice guys), or their partner has admitted that he is trying to get better and control his nice guy pathologies.
My series on nice guys is thorough but primarily addressed to them, not significant others. Having help from close friends or intimate relationships can turbocharge recovery, so I want to provide some practical steps to help your nice guy heal and change. Implementing the following practices as a permanent feature of your relationship will build you both towards more fulfillment, true love, and freedom in your connection and the life you’ve always wanted. Having a helping hand and encouragement from loved ones and a spouse can accelerate rehab, and be the most powerful force for lasting change is always feeling grace and love from another.
“Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
Start with Honesty
The crucial first step to recovery from a nice guy towards a good guy is simple yet incredibly difficult for any pathological nice guy - just be honest.
Honesty is the most significant step towards recovery a nice guy can take. Nice guys hide what they want, how they feel, their behaviors, and their fears. They’re ashamed of or scared to share what they truly want and hide those desires and wants. They want to look wantless and needless, even though they have wants and needs, because they believe that is the path to love, acceptance, and joy in the minds of all nice guys. All of this is vain peacocking for approval and appeasement. Rather than being upfront and direct with their hopes and desires, nice guys manipulate with faux generosity and pleasantries so all of it returns to themselves. It’s a “nice guy covert karma” game to get what they want from others.
Good guys are the exact opposite. They are honest and direct. They are not mean or harsh with their views or desires, but don’t hide from the truth. The first step towards recovery is encouraging a nice guy to share what’s on their heart and mind. Push your nice guy to share whatever comes to mind without fear or judgment. Push him to say what he wants without compromise or guilt. You are looking for radical transparency and you need to promise your nice guy there will be no consequences for being honest. Just get it all out on the table. This is not the time for judgment and critiques.
Recovery for a nice guy requires rebuilding on what is accurate and true, not whatever manipulated delusional reality you and your nice guy currently live in. Admitting that whatever relationship you have with your nice guy is manufactured is exceptionally hard but necessary. Creating a level and clear playing field between both parties is the hardest part of recovery. Still, honesty empowers every other rehab step and, eventually, restoration.
"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom." - Thomas Jefferson