Stop Finishing Last

How to stand up for yourself and be heard

It was a magnificent journey to write No More Mr. Nice Guy Treastie. I sincerely enjoyed the long nights writing, reading private messages from readers, and chatting with my editors daily, which included several recovering or recovered nice guys. A piece of consistent feedback I received from my readers was how I practically applied this series in demanding situations and hard conversations. I got the question, “How do I practically stand up for myself?” For nice guys, any level of conflict is already terrifying. They freeze like deer in headlights. Knowing in advance that a conversation will be challenging and emotional, a nice guy will commit hara-kiri’/seppuku with their toxic shame and evade standing up for themselves, even though internally they desperately want to.

Here are a few tips I have learned to manage difficult conversations and stand up for yourself over the years. This is not some MBA-style foolishness or other pseudoscience trickery to improve your odds of winning. No, these are rules of wisdom to redeem and restore relationships. This is my best advice based on my experience investing in almost a hundred men, running several companies, hundreds of media interviews, and being canceled by a media mob three times (yes, three times).

When I offer advice or wisdom that illuminates and intellectually liberates a man when facing a tough and challenging conversation, one of my great friends calls me “Mr. Miyagi.” “I was just Mr. Miyagi’d,” he would say. I take this as a compliment (and it is funny). I hope these practical tips and proven wisdom can help you stand up for yourself, walk as a man of courage, stop unhealthy relationships, and help you achieve your deepest desires. If you aren't heard, you will never accomplish your dreams or fulfill your calling. Not standing up for yourself means no one will see or hear you, and you will always finish last.

“It's ok to lose to opponent. It's never okay to lose to fear.” - Mr. Miyagi

Why you should stand up for yourself

It may feel simplistic, but clearly outlining the benefit of doing something hard helps focus you on the outcomes, not the rocky journey ahead. Here are the benefits of standing up for yourself.

• Gain respect from others - Individuals who stand up for themselves organically get positive attention from others. Once people see that you cannot be easily swayed, manipulated, intimidated, or exploited, others will likely reconsider their positions. They will be drawn to agree with you and want your approval.

• Guarantees self-respect - You are simultaneously assuring and establishing self-respect by standing up and being counted for your opinions. Not only do you accumulate respect from others, but you repair your internal respect barometer, which is running low. To earn respect from your others, you have to respect yourself first. Self-respect is a honey pot for good and healthy relationships. Good people are drawn to self-respect and repelled by the opposite.

• Formulates character and identity - Standing up against hardship and adversity gives you an enhanced perspective regarding your identity, values, morality, ethics, and personality. It sharpens your identity to take on even more complex challenges in the future, and you become a reliable partner to help others in need. Standing up for yourself in difficult times forges an ability to lead well and with exceptional decision-making skills. Once you know you can survive a single trial, it builds your confidence that you can slay future problems with ease. You are assured you can battle whatever the future throws at you.

• Clarifies and builds confidence - When you stand up for yourself, you can readily see and understand your strengths and weaknesses. No one is superhuman, and you can’t do everything well. Standing up for yourself prevents you from getting locked into a soul-draining quagmire. You will start betting your time and energy on situations that lead to growth and flourishing. Standing up for yourself clarifies the truth and allows you to see how to draw your own path in life. You can easily see how you can get the life you want.

• Get what you want finally - Individuals who don’t stand up for themselves let the current of life and others push them in whatever direction. They are not steering their own boat but passively floating down the river, which leads to destruction, shame, and depression. If you don’t look out for yourself, no one else will. The only way to get other people to care about your problems is for you to care about your own. Like self-respect, it will draw in healthy and loving relationships that can help you accomplish your wants and desires.

• Increases trust across relationships - As a result of increased confidence and a restoring foundation of self-respect, you will know who you are and what you are about. You will trust yourself, and in response, others will trust you. This will deepen your relationships, and you will experience a new level of intimacy. When you stand up for yourself, you show others you trust yourself, from your opinions to morals to values. Trust is how you get more of what you want and more people to genuinely love you.

• Grows love and intimacy - People will love you more when they trust you and see that you stand up for yourself, even if it means standing up to them. The only way to be trusted is to be reliable and predictable in your behavior and life. This means standing up against the whims of the world and the emotions of others. Standing up for yourself is essential to be truly loved and adored the way you want. Why should other people love you if you don’t love yourself by being a doormat? Doormats are for shoes, not human hearts.

A key lesson to understand is that as you stand up for yourself, you draw in others who do the same. You attract caring relationships with existing self-respect and who will return respect and love to you. This whole process is a reflective and self-reinforcing loop that feeds on itself (the same but in the opposite direction for toxic shame and self-destruction). People in your life who don’t want you to stand up to them don’t love or trust you. They probably have contempt for you. Everyone is sinful and broken, so we all need love and accountability. No one is exempt. You must redeem and restore these unhealthy relationships, or they will destroy your life. As you stand up to these toxic relationships, others around you who are healthy and loving will see it and will be drawn in. So taking the first step to stop destructive relationships is to start a cycle of respect and love by standing up for yourself. All of these positive outcomes compound and build upon themselves over time. You just initiated the refreshing of your own life without planning for it. It’s magical to experience and witness others make this self-actualizing evolution.

"First learn stand, then learn fly. Nature rule, Daniel-san, not mine.” - Mr. Miyagi

17 ways to stand up for yourself

Nice guys and other self-effacing personalities don’t stand up for themselves for many reasons. It could be your parents were overbearing and difficult to please, or it can be low self-respect or past trauma that prevents intimacy. Humans are a carnival show of superficial and bizarre rationalizations for their decision-making processes. I have seen good strong men be convinced they were fragile creatures. I have witnessed losers think they are great. I have seen people drown themselves in shame and depression. I have seen families drown themselves in loneliness and despair, hoping to achieve an idol of peace and earthly happiness with a “good marriage.” Trying to map and understand all of these explanations is a fruitless and undying endeavor. We must accept that humans and relationships are messy. Let’s get tactical and move forward. Helping you move forward and achieve wins is an edifying intellectual and inspirational challenge for me. Master Ginn is here to help to train you in The Way.