Aim for the Rough
Aim for the Rough
Standing up for yourself means seeing yourself as God does
"Golf is not a game of good shots. It's a game of bad shots." - Ben Hogan
The 17th hole at Old Course St Andrews is considered one of the most challenging holes in the world. This is a long Par 4 at 456 yards, and the fairway is very tight. The most challenging part of the hole is the green doglegs right around a hotel, making the tee shot blind. It gets even more complex. The wind on the 17th is infamous for making every shot tricky. You have to adjust your strategy and hit toward the rough. If you aim directly toward the green in a straight line, you will land in the rough. Like in golf, your strategy for reaching a goal will impact how sustainable the victory is.
When you exclusively focus on the end outcome, you will miss the strategy needed to get you there sustainably. It will be a flash in the pan. Shooting naively directly for the goal, hoping to get there as quickly as possible, you will only land in the deep rough. Then, prepare yourself to chop and chop through the thick brush of pain and suffering to get back on track. Myopically focusing on the goal will build your pyrrhic victory on a weak foundation and will fail to achieve your dreams.
Standing up for yourself and having courage can’t be achieved by staring aggressively at the end goal. This creates the worst versions of inauthentic masculinity. How you achieve your end goal of self-respect and confidence is less than sheer grit and more about what foundations you are building toward victory. How you play each shot leading up to the green will determine if you authentically stand up for yourself and have the courage for lasting change. To attain permanent courage, each shot must be well placed and measured to address your toxic shame by placing your identity in Christ and remembering who you are in light of the Cross. Establishing your identity in Christ is the enduring strategy to stop bowing to what the world and others say about you. It is the eternal and unshakable foundation which you can stand up for yourself from. Don’t run head first directly for the goal, or you will end up in a rougher spot than when you started.
"You have to give careful thought to every shot. Every shot sets up what you are going to do next. Every shot has to be placed correctly. Don't ever just hit a shot without thinking it through." - Ben Hogan
Shame and Guilt
We need to sparse the difference between shame and guilt. When you comingle and distort the differences, you will misinterpret yourself, leaving you confused and feeling like a powerless victim.
Guilt and shame are profoundly interconnected but not equivalent feelings and experiences. Guilt is something you feel for actions. As we have all seen, it is possible to be guilty but not feel guilty. It also works inversely. It is possible to feel guilt and not be guilty at all. We call a person who commits capital crimes and feels no guilt a sociopath. We also have all experienced feelings of guilt for things that were innocent mistakes, actions done in good faith, or nothing at all. Due to the Fall, our hearts work like faulty warning systems; sometimes, it is a false alarm, and sometimes a burglar is in your house.
Shame is somewhat subjective and is much more extensional to the whole person. While guilt and shame can feel equivalent, guilt doesn’t challenge and shake a person’s identity. Guilt is associated with wrong actions, while shame says, “I am the wrong person.” Guilt can be containerized toward a specific event, while shame feels like you are drowning. Shame will cause people to freeze and mentally shut down. Toxic shame suffocates the life of people. Guilt is associated with personal responsibility, while shame is linked to social contagion. Shame drives us to flee from others, freeze, fight, or put up a veneer to hide in plain sight. The opposite of guilt is innocence; the opposite of shame is honor.
Both shame and guilt exist in Scripture. Both can be wholly applicable and morally good reactions to an event. Shame can give your wider community an insight into your actions with the goal of restoration and healing. This is healthy. You cannot be restored by yourself. You need community and God’s truth reflected in the Bible. When a human is impervious to judgment from others, there is no check on their power. They will become a monster, as seen at the societal level with authoritarians or at the spiritual level with cults. Shame can be valuable and good. This sentiment is Biblical (Mark 8:38, 1 Corinthians 15:34, Proverbs 29:15, Psalm 119:78).
Shame and guilt are built into our natural wiring and extend our earliest relationship with God. In the Garden of Eden, God created Adam and Eve (titled “woman” before the Fall). Both were “naked and unashamed” (Genesis 2:25). When they ate the forbidden fruit, they disobeyed God and were deeply ashamed. Their shame was so intense that they concealed themselves from God and tried to cover themselves with leaves (Genesis 3:10). Adam and Eve didn’t feel guilt but bottomless shame. Trying to hide yourself is shame, not just guilt. There was nothing wrong with Adam and Eve being naked. God never mentioned that as a sin, yet they covered themselves with leaves in vain. The fundamental fear behind shame (and the difference with guilt) is that someone will see me as I authentically am, completely exposed, and then reject me because “I am repulsive and worthless.” Shame is built upon poor self-talk and low self-worth.
Despite Adam and Eve’s disobedience, God still met their needs and will meet our needs now. When God sends them out of the Garden, He gives them superior clothing made of leather. He clothes them so they can have a sense of honor and dignity in the newly fallen world they must live in (Genesis 3:21). Honor is comparable to shame and is conferred on us by others. Like in the Garden, Jesus fulfills our needs and addresses our guilt and shame. He sees us for who we really are and loves us anyway. This is how you heal from shame and stand up for yourself - understand and believe what Christ says about you, not what others say about you.
“For the Scripture says, ‘Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.’”- Romans 10:11