It is time to end a month-long journey and conclude my No More Mr. Nice Guy Treatise, but according to my editors, I saved the best for last. What started as a small passion project has quadrupled my subscribers and readers. I am humbled. I have received hundreds of messages worldwide, and it’s been a blessing to see pain and heartache turn into a story of redemption and liberation. God works in magical ways, and He will always surprise me.
My experience writing this series brought me closer to the core Gospel message of the Christian faith. God took something so horrible (The Cross) and shamed the world’s powers for our benefit, for salvation (Colossians 2:15). God’s business is redemption and restoration. The horrid Cross is now a message of love and victory.
The message of this series is just therapy to open your eyes; it isn’t the cure for the nice guy disorder. Nice guys need a vaccine to become enduring and redeemed good guys. Nice guys need a “good guy” immune response to attack the toxic shame virus. The cure is forming your identity in Christ and putting your emotional center in God with the help of deep relationships that will love and protect you.
There is a counterfeit cure on the market that presents as a “good guy,” but it is poisonous alchemy. This elixir is the most destructive expression of the nice guy disease: nice guy Christians. They take the Lord’s name in vain and misguide men towards the prison of shame and victimization from the nice guy disease. In my last installation, it is time to free you from nice guy Christians and win the spiritual war over shame towards love, freedom, and joy in Christ.
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Nice Guy Review
This is a beast of a series. It would take an hour to read from start to finish, so let’s briefly review a summary of the series as a refresher. From the first post in my series, I defined what a nice guy is:
Nice guys appear moderately successful and well put together by cultural standards. They seem to have a perfect life, but following a self-effacing solution is the source of that perfection. Nice guys believe they will get the success, attention, and affection they desire by getting more people and more people to approve of their actions with increasing doses of self-destructive compliance and submission, ending with resentment, anger, confusion, and exhaustion. Nice guys know they are not good enough by their internalized benchmarks and standards, but they cannot healthily express their disappointment. They hide and compartmentalize their life based on fear of anger from others, rejection, and abandonment. This makes them internally frustrated, enraged, and dissatisfied with their situation. At the same time, they also feel like a victim, powerless, impotent, and hopeless. They fear standing up for themselves because their operating system is based on approval and self-flagellation. As soon as they express confidence and responsibility, they believe they will lose control of the situation and potentially be abandoned. They are terrified to speak up because they will be “found out” as some sort of “fraud”. Nice guys won’t say what they think and defend themselves due to potential criticism that makes them feel like an undeserving fraud. They are fearful of not meeting up to cultural expectations and never-ending social status objectives. They don’t take risks and bet on themselves because they fear they will muck it up when it matters most at the finish line and be known as a failure by others. Nice guys are afraid of actual success.
In their mind, the means of being an alpha male (what they want) is to be a beta male (what they are doing). They are a real-life “Free Guy” - a purposeless existence awash in bitter generosity and blind appeasement without even a distinct name
Nice guys have several characteristics and typical behaviors that make them easy to spot. Nice guy Christians are no different, but they mask their manipulative and spineless behavior in fake spiritual humility and a misinterpretation of the life and work of Jesus Christ. I review the common nice guy traits in three parts and offer remedies to their self-destructive pathologies:
Stubborn Destructive Relationship Cycles - Chooses a cycle of appeasement based on fear of abandonment and creates failed relationships
Unhealthy Partners - Chooses intimate relationships that are emotionally unavailable and will lead to self-destruction
Broken Boundaries - Inability to assert himself well without hurting others and fails at setting up boundaries to protect loved ones
Fails at Reconciliation - Avoids conflict from toxic shame to the point of damaging healthy relationships
Obsessed Self-Righteous Fixers - Desires unhealthy relationships that need fixing and refuses to take care of themselves
“Nice” means what?
The word “nice” has Latin roots and is estimated to first appear in English around the 14th century. “Nice” comes from the Latin word “nescius” which basically means “ignorant”. When “nice” entered English, it had many uses and senses. With time, “nice” molded into an assortment of whatever someone wanted it to represent. Dictionary.com has tracked the use of the word “nice” over time. Here is what they found:
Lewd, wanton, dissolute; coy, modest, diffident, reticent; fastidious; marked by refinement; requiring meticulous choice; requiring or marked by delicate discrimination; lacking vigor or endurance; trivial; pleasing and satisfying; enjoyable, attractive, or delightful; well-intentioned; mild, pleasing, clement (of weather); well or appropriately dressed; most inappropriate (used ironically); unpleasant, unattractive, mean; virtuous, chaste; not profane, indecent, or obscene.
Reading those definitions is a gut punch of disdain and folly toward nice guys. “Nice” is a chameleon word without a clear explanation or purpose. It molds with the wind of others and popular culture. Over the ages, “nice” meant whatever you wanted it to be. This is metaphysically fitting as it conforms to the acrobat nature of modern “nice guys” today. They can’t see the actual world before them. Instead, their mind is warped by trying to please people who will never be satisfied until nice guys have nothing left to give and are an empty shell of who they once were.
Due to its late appearance in human history and Latin roots, “nice” never appears in the Bible. The Bible is written in Hebrew and ancient Greek, so it is impossible for the word “nice” to appear in early manuscripts. Scripture has modern colloquial synonyms that we often use interchangeably with “nice” today; however, these words are much richer in meaning in Scripture and have distinct definitions and orientations, which “nice” fails this test. The Bible never utilizes unspecific or vague terms but beautifully profound and wonderfully liberating words. Our earthly culture and nice guy Christians would say “kindness” is the same as “nice”; however, both terms are structurally and epistemologically opposites.
"A beautiful word (kindness), as it is the expression of a beautiful grace...one pervading and penetrating the whole nature…a goodness which has no edge, no sharpness in it." - R.C. Trench
Kindness crushes Niceness
“Nice” never appears in The Bible, only “kind.” “Kindness” and its variants repeatedly appear in The Bible. While our modern dull secular society believes both mean the same, ancient Greek and Hebrew tell different stories.
When the Bible says “kind” or “kindness,” that word is probably “chréstotés” in Greek. This word comes from the combination of three words (ancient Greek is complicated):
“chrestos” means useful and profitable in turn
“chraomai” means to furnish what is needed in turn
“chráo” means to lend and furnish as a loan
“Kindness” typically translates into four different nouns in our English translations, “goodness, uprightness, kindness, and gentleness.” Contextually in Scripture, “chréstotés” is doing objectively good deeds, serving others, God’s posture toward us, or our posture toward others. The most immediate translated words from Greek to English are rooted in a clear metaphysical framework of good and evil, which is the opposite of the narcissistic neurotic approval-seeking of nice guys. You cannot be “good” without a definition of good. You cannot be “gentle” without an objective framework of who and what deserves compassion. Compassion requires a rule of thumb of what is more significant and lesser than others. Nice guys want approval from everyone, and they have no boundaries, so their rule of thumb is maximum appeasement and the least amount of conflict possible. According to ancient Greek, this is the opposite of kindness.
“Kindness is not an apathetic response to sin, but a deliberate act to bring the sinner back to God.” - Thomas Nelson
The Old Testament is written in Hebrew and not Greek. Kindness is “chesed” in Hebrew. “Chesed” occurs nearly 200 times in the Hebrew Bible. It is most commonly translated as “mercy,” “kindness,” lovingkindness,” “goodness,” and “lovingkindness.” The root of “chesed” is “chased,” which means an eager or ardent desire to do something. This is both utilized for “good” and “kind” deeds; however, there are a handful of cases where it appears as “shame” or “contempt,” ironically. “Chesed” closest meaning would be a type of zeal, love, and kindness towards someone or God’s passion, love, and kindness towards us. It tells us to live in mutual benevolence, charity, goodwill, and mercy between people. It also could mean devotional piety of people towards God and grace, compassion, and kindness of God towards His people.
“Kindness is a state of being that includes the attributes of loving affection, sympathy, friendliness, patience, pleasantness, gentleness, and goodness. Kindness is a quality shown in the way a person speaks and acts. It is more volitional than emotional." - Tyndale Bible Dictionary
Here are some common appearances of the Greek and Hebrew version of “kindness” with some interpretation notes -
“Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love, remember me for your goodness, O Lord! Good and upright is the Lord; therefore, he instructs sinners in the way.” - Psalm 25:7-8
In this verse, “goodness” and “good” are both “chréstotés”. The context of this Pslam is God’s redeeming love for David while he is in pain. Through God’s kindness, He is redeeming David and setting things right. There is a connection between true justice and love, which is kindness.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30
“Rest” here (in other translations, it is “easy”) is the adjective form of “chréstotés.” Kindness here is associated with God’s posture toward us as we walk in His ways of love, reconciliation, and restoration. Kindness is associated with following godly duties and following in Christ’s footsteps.
“Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?” - Romans 2:4
“All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” - Romans 3:12
Paul clearly associates kindness here with repentance and reorients our lives away from living in disobedience toward the life He wants for us.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.” - Galatians 5:22
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.” - Colossians 3:12
Kindness is a part of our redeemed nature in Christ. It is associated with our renewed freedom from sin and self-righteousness. We don’t need the world’s approval as we have a new identity in Christ.
“So that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” - Ephesians 2:7
Kindness is united with our future state in heaven. Kindness is holy.
From this textual analysis, “being nice” and “being kind” are distinct. In a systematic Biblical context, Jesus never claimed to be nice, and God never commanded us “to be nice.” This is a modern American Christian church manifestation. This is a sin of Big Eva. The church didn’t win against nice guy syndrome but fell victim to it. A stark difference exists between “nice,” which is being agreeable and polite for the sake of sentimentalism and people-pleasing, and “kind,” which is showing compassion of your own free will and acting on behalf of others for good.
Kindness is deeply ingrained with responsibility, individual agency, and generosity. Kindness is measured against a moral code, not everyday sentimentalism’s pleasantries. Nice is a subjective agreeableness with a craving for self-effacing prostration. Kind guys are good guys who choose a path that conscience dictates, no matter the blowback or scorn from the world. Kind guys do what is good and what the Lord desires. Nice guys will decide on a direction based on what looks good to others to get approval dopamine from unhealthy relationships. Niceness is heavily focused on outward consequences and outcomes, while kindness comes from the soul and an individual’s desire to assert for good by his own free will. Kindness stems from an internal motivation to abide by principles of true love, generosity, concern for others, truth, and a desire for reality to come to light.
Good guys are kind; nice guys are a bastardized and worldly version of “kind” that Jesus would condemn.
“Chréstotés connotes genuine goodness and generosity of heart. Our salvation from sin and lostness and death issued wholly from God’s kindness, His loving, benevolent, and entirely gracious concern to draw us to Himself and redeem us from sin forever." - John MacArthur
A Nice Jesus is a Weak Jesus
The word “Christian” comes from the Greek word, Χριστιανός (Christianos). Breaking this apart, it is a combination of “following” of “the Anointed One,” with an adjectival ending implying “slave ownership” to Christ. We use “Christian” today as a noun when the structure is more like a possessive verb.
