No More Mr. Nice Guy Treatise - Part 3
No More Mr. Nice Guy Treatise - Part 3
How to stop hurting people you love and escape the cycle of toxic, abusive relationships
This is the third segment in my four-part series on how to rescue you or others from the nice guy syndrome and become a “good man” over a “nice man”. The first part of the series introduced "What is a nice guy?" and the nice guy's foundational beliefs. The second part of the series outlined how the distorted self creates a pattern of self-sabotage.
To prepare you for the forthcoming difficult message, here is some encouragement from strangers and friends who have read "No More Mr. Nice Guy Treastie." These men range in age and occupation, from a college student to a well-known tech CEO to a venture capitalist:
“When I read the first part of this series, my eyes were opened. I saw I was finding my worth in what others thought of me. I applied some of these basic rules, and already my life feels better. I will no longer submit to the sin of appeasement. I’ve been praying not to be a nice guy but to become a good guy.”
“Aaron told me how, why, and when to say ‘no’. I didn’t know how to do that before this. He taught me to stand up for myself, be confident in what I want, and have self-respect. This transformed my marriage and my other relationships for the better.”
“It’s weird. In some ways, I think being nice has served me well. In others, I think it’s really set me back, like with my female relationships. I got run over in my first marriage, and when I finally lost all hope and hit rock bottom, I grew a pair of balls and told her how bad she had been treating me and that I wanted out. I waited too long to say anything, and she exited the relationship without trying. It was sad. I still find myself trying to be nice; it’s a hard habit to break. It’s an internal fight with myself where I run from or toward conflict. Am I insecure or confident? Do I need her approval or God’s approval? I must consciously snap back into saying how I feel and asking for what I want. I tell you that because your first nice guy piece hits on several themes above, and it’s been helpful to have someone validate that I’m not crazy and lovingly guide me as well.”
“I’m grateful you’re spending your time and energy on this. I meet and talk with many guys; the story is the same. The only reason they say they put up with their women is either ‘the kids’ or ‘I’d like to get laid even if it is bad’. Sad. God has you lined up to deliver an important message. He’s built your influence over the last 3 years for this moment.”
As we entered the final half point of the series, I saved the most challenging part for last. In this segment, we will cover how nice guys abuse and get abused in their relationships. This could pull at your heart in ways you did not imagine or foresee, and something could rise up inside of you to direct you to either shame or anger. The fundamental lesson in every single segment in my series is for you to take responsibility and attain self-respect.
Don’t blame others for your failures. Don’t project your mistakes upon others. Don’t disguise yourself even further. Own your situation and your decisions that have built this figment of a simulator life that has left you and others unhappy. If you don’t own your circumstance, you will not have the agency, confidence, and drive to do something about it. You are not a victim, and you are not powerless. You can get out of it. You can end your toxic shame. I know from experience; I have been here before.
Good men win and protect those they love; nice guys hurt and destroy those they love. Knowing which one you are will emerge based on how you respond to this message.
Last week’s posts
"God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way.”
— C.S. Lewis
Stubborn Destructive Relationship Cycles
Two core relationship patterns prevent nice guys from getting what they desire in friendship, love, marriage, and life. They are dysfunctionally stubborn and follow these failed models like a religion.
Shame Recycling - Nice guys regularly recycle a familiar, comfortable, and dissatisfying relationship loop. Nice guys only know a pattern of self-efficacy abuse and manipulative approval-seeking. They can’t imagine a relationship can be formed any differently. Due to their toxic shame and low self-respect, they are drawn to domineering, overbearing, and expansive personalities. Relationships that don’t fit that mold are scary, as nice guys cannot manipulate these individuals into their wants and desires. Healthy, confident relationships break a nice guy’s relationship and love-seeking methodology and strategy.
Terrible Enders - Nice guys cannot end unhealthy relationships and associations healthily and reasonably due to the continuous loop. Nice guys will let unhealthy relationships drag until there is no hope for improvement or reconciliation. Then, these relationships suddenly explode because they cannot last. They avoid conflict, hide their true nature, and make indirect decisions to the point that an explosive end is the only outcome. The collateral damage tends to be much broader than a nice guy can predict, leaving many more hearts unhappy and broken. Their inability to clarify difficult situations drives a downward spiral of shame and resentment. Regularly this downward spiral leaves trusted and healthy relationships scarred from either shrapnel from the blast radius of an unhealthy relationship or a loss of confidence that a nice guy will bet on good relationships who can help end the cycle. Nice guys will continue to feel stuck and alone.
As described, nice guys consistently build co-dependent relationships from their internal toxic shame and avoidance pathology. They associate their well-being by fusing their relationships with their identity and emotional center. Nice guys are incredibly stubborn about changing from these unhealthy relational patterns because they built their individuality upon appeasement rituals towards others. These patterns ALWAYS end poorly for everyone involved. It is a cycle of constant unhappiness and unmet expectations, fed by a foundation of covert contracts and toxic guilt.
"Whatever emotional ball and chain we carry, it is never too late to saw it loose. No matter how much we have handicapped ourselves, whatever time we have left will become infinitely happier.” Dr. Peter Breggin
Nice guys choose these relational habits because they are familiar. These patterns are usually an extension of an unhealthy relationship with their mother. Typically, a nice guy received attention from their mother by attempting to address her complaints co-dependently, evading her and his own boundaries. In response, a nice guy could develop an unhealthy resentment and rejection of his father and try to be an “anti-father”, creating a disassociative “anti-hero” theology. This leads a nice guy to choose a romantic partner who will always complain and be angry, so he has someone he can get attention and affirmation from in an unhealthy way, like his mother. If the nice boy expected both of their parents to be angry, the nice guy would also expect his partner to be angry all the time as well. Sometimes, nice guys will choose completely shallow “intimate relationships” to avoid conflict, but the feeling of emptiness inside and a desire to fill it never disappears. These parent-based projections permutate their dysfunctional relationships and prevent nice guys from getting the intimacy they need and crave. This leads them to lash out and become addicted to pornography, alcohol, drugs, work, and alternative relationships.
“People who feel toxic shame often feel like they’re not good enough and are ashamed of themselves. This can lead to procrastination, perfectionism, and other self-sabotaging behaviors.” - Taylor Draughn.
Nice Guys are stubbornly committed to their losing relationship theology. The less their niceness works, the more they do it. Nice guys will keep doing more of the same, hoping their relationships will change and improve, but they never do. Despite the endless sacrifice and scapegoating, the hungry beast of abusive relationships is never satisfied by niceness and appeasement. Placing your hope in another depraved human will destroy the soul. Nice guys fall into a bottomless imposter syndrome-based depression that causes them to freeze like a deer in headlights.
Nice guys fail to understand they are not a victim. They are co-creating these relationships that are not satisfying to anyone and generating constant anxiety and pain around them. It is like a house on fire, and they are shouting for help while they kick kindling into the fire, and the fire consumes everyone who comes to their aid. They will see themselves as hopeless victims in these toxic relationships, and act as such, failing to see their own responsibility and culpability. Therefore, the cycle continues until everything breaks.
Solution
Wake up! STOP! Take ownership. Take responsibility.
Realize the patterns you have created in your own life. Own it and realize that stopping these patterns will scare almost everyone, both your healthy and unhealthy relationships. This is okay. We are triaging the patient and identifying your failing relationships. It will be hard to reject the patterns that got you every relationship in the past but have courage. You may not know what courage feels like, but it feels like being born again into an abundant vast world. You should feel liberation as you stand on your feet and contain the chaos and endless cycle of violence against those you love. Step out in faith and believe you are worth it.
A simple exercise is to outline the most critical relationships in your life. Now document how those relationships are damaged and how you helped contribute to that damage. Be objective and not emotional. Next, reprioritize the list according to those you can reconcile and restore quickly. These relationships will be somewhat healthy relationships that model grace, forgiveness, and generosity (the things you want in your relationships). A good tell is if you have experienced previous reconciliation in these relationships.
Don’t engage in relationships that have “faux reconciliation.” An easy signal of fake reconciliation is people who hold stuff against you and view your relationship as a stand-off between adversaries or tit-for-tat business relationship. These are unhealthy and should be at the bottom of the list. Let’s get some easy wins first. For healthy relationships, be the first to reach out and be direct about what you want to talk about. Be kind in the conversation yet straightforward on how you have wronged them and wish to correct the record. Suggest new boundaries between you both to keep a healthy relationship and rebuild. You need to trust that people will bet on the new confident you.
Your goal should be redemption towards healthy relationships. This will feel different without co-dependency and unhealthy attachment; however, these will be the best versions of these relationships you have ever seen. Redeeming an unhealthy relationship will be better than what you are experiencing today. 100% guaranteed.
"The antidote for exhaustion is not necessarily rest. It's wholeheartedness…The reason that you are exhausted is that much of what you are doing you have no affection for. You’re doing it because you have an abstract idea that this is what you should be doing in order to be liked. You are exhausted because your energies lay elsewhere. You have been ripening yourself, and you are ready to harvest yourself, and if you don’t, you will rot on the vine." - David Whyte’s conversation with a Benedictine Monk